How not to be single

Schalom!

Here in Zion there are lots of single girls. I've got no problem with single girls. In fact, I hope to change the status of one of them at some point. The problem that I have is that many of these single Meydels are so unhappy with their singleheit that they kvetch about it all the time. A girl recently told me about a roommate of hers who spent her Friday nights at home crying because she didn't have dates. She then proceeded to tell me and several other upstanding gentlemen that we should be ashamed of ourselves for allowing this to happen. Meh, I say! Shame on her for allowing it to happen to herself!

Let me explain. I think that lots of scheyne Meydels just don't make an effort, so they get stuck being alone on the weekends. So, here it comes, directly from the source of all wisdom related to life in Eretz Provo. The Mormonides Brothers proudly present: How Not to Be Single (The original title, "how to make enough of an effort that if you are still lonely you have a right to complain about it, but please not to us" was just a bit too long).

First, whenever in mixed company, sit next to at least one boy. This one will take some work because it is against everything you have been practicing for years. When a group of friends of mixed genders goes to a movie, for example, the girls all bunch into one or two groups, leaving only the ones on the ends available for sitting next to boys. The only way you are ever going to get a guy to ask you out on a date is if you show him that you are fun, and he won't see that you are fun if you are stuck there between Rachel and Sarah.

Second, be flexible in your non-dating plans. I knew a girl, Judith, who was upset that she didn't get asked out much, so she and her girlfriends would get together every Friday and Saturday night to watch Friends (bad enough that they would watch that Dreck...) and bemoan the fact that they were all single. I thought Judith was a nice girl, so I asked her out. She refused, because she and the girls were going to be busy with an all-weekend kvetch-a-thon. I kid you not. No time for a date because Judith had to spend the weekend talking to Rebecca and Deborah about how boys don't like her. So, girls, just a tip: if you want to date, you have to be willing to reschedule girl time.

Third and last, sometimes you have to do the hard part yourself. If you make yourself available and nobody comes knocking, you might have to do the unthinkable and ask a guy yourself. Let me dispel a myth. Are you ready? Guys are not magically endowed with an ability to ask girls out on dates. The only advantage we have is practice. Guys are used to asking and, more importantly, we are more used to getting turned down. It's not the end of the world if you ask a guy out and he says no. Ask somebody else. It's not the end of the world if he says yes, but never calls you for another date. I know it's hard. Trust me, I know. But who says that only guys can ask out on a date? If you're not on a date, and you want to be on a date, there's only one way to take care of that.

Well, there you have it. How not to be single. If you follow all these steps and still don't have a date, you can feel free to complain. Just not to me. One last tip before I go: if you are going to kvetch to a guy about it, make sure he wasn't also alone that weekend. Nothing worse than hearing that you called every guy you could possibly consider going on a date with but still couldn't find one, while the guy you were talking to would have gone in a heartbeat.

Then again, none of us should be going out on Friday night anyway- it's not good to defile the Shabbat like that.

So, till next time, zay gezunt!

Herschel