Scheyne gruesse and merry Christmas!
Moishe and I are spending the holidays at the Mormonides homestead with the family. I just thought I should take a moment away from the busy day to wish all of you a very merry Christmas. May the new year bring happiness and gezundheit to you and yours.
Herschel Mormonides
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Happy Holidays
I had some way to connect this video to the sentiments of the season and all that sort of thing, but I forgot what it was. So, here's Jerry Orbach singing. Merry Christmas. And a Happy Hanukkah.
--MOISHE
Friday, December 21, 2007
Mormons with low self esteem
Schalom and vee gehts! Moishe and I have been so busy the last few months that we haven't been blogging, and for that we apologize. In our defense, we have spent some time thinking of good things to blog about.
Enough with the apologies! On to bigger and better things!
Today, I want to talk about something that really gets on my nerfen. Allow me to explain (and then, maybe allow me to kvetch a bisel?). We were in Sunday School, when my teacher, bless his heart, started talking about humility. He had a few good things to say, but then he ruined it all by saying, "If you think you are, you aren't."
Humility may be many things, but low self-esteem it isn't! This is something that really bothers me, so I want to make it very clear. Thinking that you are bad at everything (especially being humble) is not what humility is about.
The Savior said "I am meek and lowly in heart" (Matthew 11:29). So, either Jesus is lying to us, and he is not really lowly, or there is something that differentiates humility and low self-esteem.
I hate the fact that if I talk about something I did well, people always say (albeit jokingly) "sounds like somebody needs to learn some humility." There is nothing wrong with taking pride in a job well-done. If I cook a good meal, I want to be able to say "Wow. That was tasty" and if I win a game, I want to high-five my team.
Mostly, I think that we, as a people, need to rethink our definition of humility. We need to be willing to enjoy doing things well. I am not sure how we can define it well, but here's what I think:
It's not perfect, but it's a working definition to say the least. If
anybody has any parts they would want to add, they are more than welcome.
Till next time, zay gezunt!
Herschel
Enough with the apologies! On to bigger and better things!
Today, I want to talk about something that really gets on my nerfen. Allow me to explain (and then, maybe allow me to kvetch a bisel?). We were in Sunday School, when my teacher, bless his heart, started talking about humility. He had a few good things to say, but then he ruined it all by saying, "If you think you are, you aren't."
Humility may be many things, but low self-esteem it isn't! This is something that really bothers me, so I want to make it very clear. Thinking that you are bad at everything (especially being humble) is not what humility is about.
The Savior said "I am meek and lowly in heart" (Matthew 11:29). So, either Jesus is lying to us, and he is not really lowly, or there is something that differentiates humility and low self-esteem.
I hate the fact that if I talk about something I did well, people always say (albeit jokingly) "sounds like somebody needs to learn some humility." There is nothing wrong with taking pride in a job well-done. If I cook a good meal, I want to be able to say "Wow. That was tasty" and if I win a game, I want to high-five my team.
Mostly, I think that we, as a people, need to rethink our definition of humility. We need to be willing to enjoy doing things well. I am not sure how we can define it well, but here's what I think:
Humility- The recognition that one's acts were accomplished through the aid of a
higher power, and the reverent gratitude for the aid received.
It's not perfect, but it's a working definition to say the least. If
anybody has any parts they would want to add, they are more than welcome.
Till next time, zay gezunt!
Herschel
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Sauce for the goose
A gezunt ahf dein kop! Recently, some putz wrote in to the local paper with advice for single Mormon women. And although much of what he said was somewhere between narishkeit and meshugas, he said one thing I agree with:
Lots of other people wrote in to say that this was a bad idea, and that girls should never ask boys out, but I think they're wrong. My brother Herschel has already talked a bit about this, but I want to write a lot more.
So, I want to discuss the reasons, good and bad, why you might not ask boys out on dates. In all the conversations I've had with single women, I think I've really only heard about five reasons.
1) "Those are the rules for dating, and I can't change them." This is a bad reason. The rules for dating change all the time. As we change the way we do behave, the norms and standards about how we ought to behave also change. And older ways of doing things are not always better. Want to go back to the world of arranged marriages, child brides, and women unable to own property? Not me. I am glad we've changed the rules, and I don't have a problem changing them more if the change is for the better.
2) "As priesthood leaders and future presiding officers in the home, men should take the initiative." This is also a bad reason, but it's less bad. At the very least, it's an argument based on an appeal to a certain set of values, instead of blind deference to tradition (see above).
But this is not the way priesthood works. My priesthood office gives me a specific set of duties, not the obligation or the right to take the lead in absolutely everything. (That's machismo, not priesthood.) There is no priesthood key for asking people out, because dating is a social function, not a priesthood function.
I can see where some people might get that idea. After all, marriage is an institution presided over by priesthood authority (the husband), and entered into through a priesthood ordinance (sealing). Okay. But that doesn't mean that everything that leads up to marriage has to be initiated by a man. After all, the church is also an institution presided over by a priesthood authority (the prophet), and entered into through a priesthood ordinance (baptism). But it's okay for women to share the gospel, right?
Initiating dates is not a priesthood responsibility, and asking boys out is not steadying the ark.
3) "Boys don't like girls who ask boys out." This one I hate. Where does it come from? Maybe it comes from mothers and fathers who teach it to their daughters. And maybe it was true thirty years ago in Sandy, Utah. But times change.
Maybe, though, you have heard boys say this. And I will admit, there are certain boys who like to be the pursuer, and not the pursued. Or, more pointedly, the predator and not the prey? For some guys, dating is like hunting, and what they love is the thrill of the chase. Once they've caught you, they lose interest. Let's be clear: These boys are losers, or players. You don't want them. So who cares what they think.
But maybe your personal history leads you to believe that it's not just losers and players who hate being asked out. You've asked out good boys, boys that you really like, and in every instance it was a mistake. The boy didn't fall for you, he wasn't interested, etc. Experiences like this seem to support the idea that boys don't like to be asked out, but let me suggest other explanations.
Most first dates go nowhere. You're only going to get married once (if everything works out right), and you'll probably go on dozens of first dates. So dating has a very low success rate. You should expect to go on at least five or ten first dates to have a decent shot at a relationship. That's just the way the numbers work. Most of the time, we're bad at guessing who we're going to hit it off with.
Part of the reason for this is that we usually ask people out who are slightly better catches than we are. A boy who is a B-plus catch will spend most of his time chasing girls who deserve an A or an A-minus. Why? Because we all want the vey best we can get. And because a lot of us have a pretty high opinion of ourselves. Let's test my theory. Think about the boys you have asked out, and compare them to the boys who have asked you out. My guess is that the first set are better catches than the second set. So it's not surprising that you have a harder time landing them.
Think about it like this. I'm a boy who has asked out hundreds of girls, but has not managed to marry any of them. If I told you that I had concluded that girls just don't like it when boys ask them out, what would you tell me? You might suggest that the real problem is that I am chasing girls who are out of my league, or that I have been unlucky, or that dating just stinks. But you would almost certainly tell me to keep trying. So I'll tell you the same. Keep trying. Sometimes it works, and that makes all the failure and rejection worthwhile.
4) "If I ask him, then I have to plan everything and pay for everything." This is a pathetic reason to not ask a boy out. A date doesn't have to be a big production. As Elder Oaks said in his CES fireside a couple of years ago,
There's nothing wrong with a simple date, a casual date, a brief date, or a cheap date. (And speaking of cheap, most decent guys will offer to pay for half of the date even when you ask them out.) Give it a try. It's not that hard.
5) "I'm happy with my current situation, so I have no need to ask anyone out." Now this is a good reason. If you are going out as much as you want, with the kind of boys you like, without having to do any asking, then don't go fixing what ain't broke. But if you're sitting home lonely on a Friday night, then by all means, call someone up and go do something. If what you're doing now isn't working, then try something different. Be brave. Pick up the phone.
A glick ahf dir.
--MOISHE
You can ask guys on dates. They won't be offended.
Lots of other people wrote in to say that this was a bad idea, and that girls should never ask boys out, but I think they're wrong. My brother Herschel has already talked a bit about this, but I want to write a lot more.
So, I want to discuss the reasons, good and bad, why you might not ask boys out on dates. In all the conversations I've had with single women, I think I've really only heard about five reasons.
1) "Those are the rules for dating, and I can't change them." This is a bad reason. The rules for dating change all the time. As we change the way we do behave, the norms and standards about how we ought to behave also change. And older ways of doing things are not always better. Want to go back to the world of arranged marriages, child brides, and women unable to own property? Not me. I am glad we've changed the rules, and I don't have a problem changing them more if the change is for the better.
2) "As priesthood leaders and future presiding officers in the home, men should take the initiative." This is also a bad reason, but it's less bad. At the very least, it's an argument based on an appeal to a certain set of values, instead of blind deference to tradition (see above).
But this is not the way priesthood works. My priesthood office gives me a specific set of duties, not the obligation or the right to take the lead in absolutely everything. (That's machismo, not priesthood.) There is no priesthood key for asking people out, because dating is a social function, not a priesthood function.
I can see where some people might get that idea. After all, marriage is an institution presided over by priesthood authority (the husband), and entered into through a priesthood ordinance (sealing). Okay. But that doesn't mean that everything that leads up to marriage has to be initiated by a man. After all, the church is also an institution presided over by a priesthood authority (the prophet), and entered into through a priesthood ordinance (baptism). But it's okay for women to share the gospel, right?
Initiating dates is not a priesthood responsibility, and asking boys out is not steadying the ark.
3) "Boys don't like girls who ask boys out." This one I hate. Where does it come from? Maybe it comes from mothers and fathers who teach it to their daughters. And maybe it was true thirty years ago in Sandy, Utah. But times change.
Maybe, though, you have heard boys say this. And I will admit, there are certain boys who like to be the pursuer, and not the pursued. Or, more pointedly, the predator and not the prey? For some guys, dating is like hunting, and what they love is the thrill of the chase. Once they've caught you, they lose interest. Let's be clear: These boys are losers, or players. You don't want them. So who cares what they think.
But maybe your personal history leads you to believe that it's not just losers and players who hate being asked out. You've asked out good boys, boys that you really like, and in every instance it was a mistake. The boy didn't fall for you, he wasn't interested, etc. Experiences like this seem to support the idea that boys don't like to be asked out, but let me suggest other explanations.
Most first dates go nowhere. You're only going to get married once (if everything works out right), and you'll probably go on dozens of first dates. So dating has a very low success rate. You should expect to go on at least five or ten first dates to have a decent shot at a relationship. That's just the way the numbers work. Most of the time, we're bad at guessing who we're going to hit it off with.
Part of the reason for this is that we usually ask people out who are slightly better catches than we are. A boy who is a B-plus catch will spend most of his time chasing girls who deserve an A or an A-minus. Why? Because we all want the vey best we can get. And because a lot of us have a pretty high opinion of ourselves. Let's test my theory. Think about the boys you have asked out, and compare them to the boys who have asked you out. My guess is that the first set are better catches than the second set. So it's not surprising that you have a harder time landing them.
Think about it like this. I'm a boy who has asked out hundreds of girls, but has not managed to marry any of them. If I told you that I had concluded that girls just don't like it when boys ask them out, what would you tell me? You might suggest that the real problem is that I am chasing girls who are out of my league, or that I have been unlucky, or that dating just stinks. But you would almost certainly tell me to keep trying. So I'll tell you the same. Keep trying. Sometimes it works, and that makes all the failure and rejection worthwhile.
4) "If I ask him, then I have to plan everything and pay for everything." This is a pathetic reason to not ask a boy out. A date doesn't have to be a big production. As Elder Oaks said in his CES fireside a couple of years ago,
. . . the more elaborate and expensive the date, the fewer the dates. As dates become fewer and more elaborate, this seems to create an expectation that a date implies seriousness or continuing commitment. That expectation discourages dating even more. Gone is the clumsy and inexpensive phone call your parents and grandparents and I used to make. That call went something like this: “What’re ya doin’ tonight? How about a movie?” Or, “How about taking a walk downtown?” Cheap dates like that can be frequent and nonthreatening, since they don’t seem to imply a continuing commitment.
There's nothing wrong with a simple date, a casual date, a brief date, or a cheap date. (And speaking of cheap, most decent guys will offer to pay for half of the date even when you ask them out.) Give it a try. It's not that hard.
5) "I'm happy with my current situation, so I have no need to ask anyone out." Now this is a good reason. If you are going out as much as you want, with the kind of boys you like, without having to do any asking, then don't go fixing what ain't broke. But if you're sitting home lonely on a Friday night, then by all means, call someone up and go do something. If what you're doing now isn't working, then try something different. Be brave. Pick up the phone.
A glick ahf dir.
--MOISHE
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Pfui Teufel
First, to all those vast multitudes who have wondered why we have been so long without posting, let me just say: What, are you paying for this? Enough with the kvetching, already.
Second, In sacrament meeting, I learned another reason to hate the devil, that farshtinkener. The speaker was talking about the premortal life, and Lucifer's plan for God's children. In his plan, of course, we would have been robbed of our agency and forced to obey him. Bad enough, I know.
But the speaker also said something which I suppose I had always known but had never heard put this way before. Jesus volunteered to come down and pay for our sins, to suffer so that we could return and live with God again. In other words, he was willing to pay the ultimate price for us. Lucifer, on the other hand, was unwilling to suffer at all. He did not offer to give up anything for us. So he wanted all the praise and honor we give now to our Savior, with none of the cost. What a khazer!
--MOISHE
Second, In sacrament meeting, I learned another reason to hate the devil, that farshtinkener. The speaker was talking about the premortal life, and Lucifer's plan for God's children. In his plan, of course, we would have been robbed of our agency and forced to obey him. Bad enough, I know.
But the speaker also said something which I suppose I had always known but had never heard put this way before. Jesus volunteered to come down and pay for our sins, to suffer so that we could return and live with God again. In other words, he was willing to pay the ultimate price for us. Lucifer, on the other hand, was unwilling to suffer at all. He did not offer to give up anything for us. So he wanted all the praise and honor we give now to our Savior, with none of the cost. What a khazer!
--MOISHE
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