There will be blood

We got notified this morning of a movie which portrays Mormons as flesh-eating zombies. Let me tell you, when I read about this, I got mad-- mad that I didn't think of this first, mad that I didn't get invited to participate.

Our dear friend Betty Toms also got mad, but for a different reason. She's mad because this portrays Mormons in a negative way. But let's compare this to a problem faced by our brothers and sisters, the Jews. There actually are stories that Jewish people drink the blood of babies as part of their religious rituals. And even though these stories are ridiculous lies, tens of millions have (1) believed them and (2) acted on them, violently. So if someone made a movie which resurrected this old lie, I would be upset, even though I am not Jewish, because people could really get hurt.

I grew up in the Bible Belt, and I'm familiar with the special breed of unthinking anti-Mormon bigot you can find in those parts. And I do sometimes get tired of hearing anti-Mormon slurs. For instance, I get a little upset at books and movies which associate Mormonism with polygamy. Mormons renounced polygamy 120 years ago, so it's a lie to say that we're still polygamists. And it's a lie that some people will believe. But it's not a lie that will inspire any violent action. So although I get a little irritated about Big Love, and other such nonsense, I would never waste my time protesting it.

Now, a movie portraying Mormons as flesh-eating zombies is even less worthy of my condemnation, or even my attention. Of course, Mormons aren't really zombies. But no one is going to be fooled by this movie into thinking they are. (PS - If someone watches this trailer and wonders if Mormons really are undead monsters, they probably have difficulty tying their own shoes.)

The people who made this movie didn't pick Mormons for their monsters because Mormons are threatening. On the contrary, Mormons are boring, which makes it funny. Watch the trailer. It's a campy, over-the-top, silly B-movie made by a bunch of college kids. It's only forty minutes long. It walks the line between laughably bad and just plain bad. These guys want to be Sam Raimi-- they're aiming for thrills, and laughs.

Krusty the Clown taught us that a pie in the face is only funny if "the sap's got dignity." You make fun of someone because it causes them discomfort. If they laugh along, there's no fun in it. Fortunately for the makers of The Book of Zombie, Mormons are humorless squares, perfect targets for ridicule. So, congratulations on proving the Gentiles right.

--MOISHE