How not to be single

Schalom!

Here in Zion there are lots of single girls. I've got no problem with single girls. In fact, I hope to change the status of one of them at some point. The problem that I have is that many of these single Meydels are so unhappy with their singleheit that they kvetch about it all the time. A girl recently told me about a roommate of hers who spent her Friday nights at home crying because she didn't have dates. She then proceeded to tell me and several other upstanding gentlemen that we should be ashamed of ourselves for allowing this to happen. Meh, I say! Shame on her for allowing it to happen to herself!

Let me explain. I think that lots of scheyne Meydels just don't make an effort, so they get stuck being alone on the weekends. So, here it comes, directly from the source of all wisdom related to life in Eretz Provo. The Mormonides Brothers proudly present: How Not to Be Single (The original title, "how to make enough of an effort that if you are still lonely you have a right to complain about it, but please not to us" was just a bit too long).

First, whenever in mixed company, sit next to at least one boy. This one will take some work because it is against everything you have been practicing for years. When a group of friends of mixed genders goes to a movie, for example, the girls all bunch into one or two groups, leaving only the ones on the ends available for sitting next to boys. The only way you are ever going to get a guy to ask you out on a date is if you show him that you are fun, and he won't see that you are fun if you are stuck there between Rachel and Sarah.

Second, be flexible in your non-dating plans. I knew a girl, Judith, who was upset that she didn't get asked out much, so she and her girlfriends would get together every Friday and Saturday night to watch Friends (bad enough that they would watch that Dreck...) and bemoan the fact that they were all single. I thought Judith was a nice girl, so I asked her out. She refused, because she and the girls were going to be busy with an all-weekend kvetch-a-thon. I kid you not. No time for a date because Judith had to spend the weekend talking to Rebecca and Deborah about how boys don't like her. So, girls, just a tip: if you want to date, you have to be willing to reschedule girl time.

Third and last, sometimes you have to do the hard part yourself. If you make yourself available and nobody comes knocking, you might have to do the unthinkable and ask a guy yourself. Let me dispel a myth. Are you ready? Guys are not magically endowed with an ability to ask girls out on dates. The only advantage we have is practice. Guys are used to asking and, more importantly, we are more used to getting turned down. It's not the end of the world if you ask a guy out and he says no. Ask somebody else. It's not the end of the world if he says yes, but never calls you for another date. I know it's hard. Trust me, I know. But who says that only guys can ask out on a date? If you're not on a date, and you want to be on a date, there's only one way to take care of that.

Well, there you have it. How not to be single. If you follow all these steps and still don't have a date, you can feel free to complain. Just not to me. One last tip before I go: if you are going to kvetch to a guy about it, make sure he wasn't also alone that weekend. Nothing worse than hearing that you called every guy you could possibly consider going on a date with but still couldn't find one, while the guy you were talking to would have gone in a heartbeat.

Then again, none of us should be going out on Friday night anyway- it's not good to defile the Shabbat like that.

So, till next time, zay gezunt!

Herschel

Thinking is thinking

Yesterday was a very busy Sabbath, but today things have calmed down enough to give me some time to post the second thought that I had, albeit a day later than expected. In Sunday School we were talking about the fact that God has encouraged us as Saints to get as much education as we can, including a secular education. I have heard (and said) many reasons for this, but today I stumbled upon a new one. It sounds so simple, but it was an insight to me. It is this: Thinking is Thinking.

Let me explain, lest you think I am a Dumkop. The process of thinking is the same, whether you are thinking about the Gospel, sociology, astrophysics, whatever. Thinking is thinking, regardless of what one is thinking about. Thinking also takes practice. The more you think, the easier it is (which is, incidentally, why I feel that today's youth are a bunch of nogoodniks, but that's another kvetch for another day).

I think that the reason the Lord wants us to get an education is because the deep things of the Gospel are so complex, that unless we practice by thinking about comparatively simple things, like thermodynamics or vector calculus (which are truly simple by comparison), we will never be able to understand the complexities of the Gospel.

I am not saying that our studies of the Gospel should focus solely on having an academic understanding of holy things, but I do think that to truly believe in something and have perfect faith, we have to understand what it is that we believe in.

So, there you have it. Think. If we think enough we may just get smarter, alevai.

Herschel

What's your Christian Number?

Today I had two interesting ideas, so maybe I will have two interesting posts. Or maybe one interesting post and one boring one. Or maybe I will get bored before I finish and only do one post. So many possibilities.

Today we read in 1 Corinthians about how the people were dividing themselves into groups, some claiming to be of Christ, some of Paul, some of Cephas, and some of Apollos (see 1:12). I have always seen this as a division of time of membership, meaning that those who were "of Christ" were converted in the times of Christ, while those of Paul were converted later when Paul came to preach at Corinth, etc.

Today this passage struck me more as a system of "Christian Numbers." Those who were taught by Christ had a Christian Number of 1, while those who were taught by either Paul or Cephas (a.k.a. Simon a.k.a. Peter) had Christian Numbers of 2, because each of these men was taught by Christ Himself. The Christian Number for Apollos gets a bit more tricky, but as near as I can tell, it is 3 (giving those he taught a Number of 4), because Apollos was taught by Aquila, who (it seems to me) was taught by Paul, who was converted by Christ Himself.

This idea of Christain Numbers is a very interesting one. If this is, in fact, the reason behind the divisions, it would teach us a great deal about their beliefs. I will leave most of the details of what it teaches us to you to decide for yourself, or maybe I'll just do it in another post another day. What I do want to mention is where I see this idea cropping up in the modern church.

In our parents' and grandparents' generations something very similar seemed to be widespread in the Church. They wanted Nauvoo Numbers ("My Grandpa lived in Nauvoo") or Joseph Smith Numbers ("My Uncle heard a sermon directly from Joseph") or any of a wide variety of connections to people and places in what was then recent Church History.

Now we do it with apocryphal doctrine ("Well, my friend heard in a religion class at BYU that the Narrow Neck of Land was Panama" " Oh yeah? I heard at institute that the whole thing took place on the Yucatan Peninsula"). My point, and Paul's point, is that none of that matters. The foundation is Christ, and we shouldn't try to justify our views by trying to see whose has the lowest Christian Number. That is not what is important.

I don't intend to end on what feels like kind of a harsh note, but that is all I have to say on this subject.

Zay gezunt

Herschel

Cheese Blog no. 2

Schalom to all the other pretend Jews out there in Mormonia!

If there's anything my brothers and I take more pride in than being great fake Jews, it would have to be being great fake Sweeds. So, to celebrate my recent return from a Summer spent working with Goyem (and one real Jew) we made a Swedish dinner. Included in every Swedish dinner made by the Mormonides family is a large selection of fancy cheeses, usually ones that we are not terribly familiar with.

I'll start off with a familiar cheese: smoked Gouda. Gouda is a very good cheese with a strong flavor. If you want a cheese to gently compliment other flavors, Gouda is probably not what you want, and smoked Gouda even less so. I enjoyed it best with a fairly plain type of Swedish cracker called Knackebrod. Because of its strong flavor, it also complimented sweet things like honey ham or apples (or both at the same time). I give it 3.5 stars.

Second on my list of favorites is Gruyere, a cheese from Switzerland. This is not to be confused with "Swiss Cheese," which is what we call a group of Swiss cheeses that does not include Gruyere. It is a hard cheese that is absolutely delightful. It was very slightly nutty, but not nearly as nutty as other Swiss cheeses. Gruyere has a very distinctive, salty taste and I found it to be fairly dry and almost gritty. But not in a bad way. In a very good way. I enjoyed it with sesame or other not-too-salty crackers. I give it a solid 4 stars.

Last for today is Havarti. Havarti is a Danish cheese that has a few variations. We got Havarti with dill. It had an almost buttery-sweet flavor that made it truly delightful. I enjoyed it with almost anything, but particularly with some of the other essential elements of a Swedish dinner: sausages and roast. It complimented these salty meats very well. It also goes quite well with pickles, which is another thing that we Mormonides love. I give Havarti 5 stars only because there are no more stars to give.

So, till next time, zay gezunt and eat some good cheese, why not?

Herschel

Sunday School ruminations

First, I must acknowledge that after last week's EQ lesson on keeping the Sabbath day holy, I skipped EQ to drive up to Sandy and have lunch at a restaurant with my uncle. So, I'm a bit of a chanef, a hypocrite. I just think I have to admit that.

Anyway, so before I went all sabbath-breaky, I was in Gospel Essentials class, and had an interesting thought. The lesson was the first one in the manual (we have started over again), and it concerned our Heavenly Father. Midway through, we read John 17:3, which of course reads:

And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent.

The teacher started asking us what this verse meant, and how we could come to know God. Well, in response to such a question, it would be easy to reach out and let the "ready-made phrases come crowding in," as I too often do in church. But I really do want to know the answer to this question, and not just the stock answers that thoughtlessly spring to the tongue.

At the judgement day, those who know God, and are known by him, will come to live with him. That's where I want to be. And I must confess (again) that I could not answer today that I know God. I want to know him, and I have felt his influence in my life from time to time, but there is something more I lack.

It is true, I think, that in our natural state, God is unknowable to us. His actions seem to us mysterious; his thoughts, his motivations, seem unfathomable, even alien.

But ultimately, we have the promise that we can know our master even as he knows us. And if God is knowable, then the question of how we come to know him truly is the fundamental question to be answered in life.

So, sitting there in Sunday School, I read the verses around John 17:3, looking for some context. And I found something interesting in the previous verses:

These words spake Jesus, and lifted up his eyes to heaven, and said, Father, the hour is come; glorify thy Son, that thy Son also may glorify thee:

As thou hast given him power over all flesh, that he should give eternal life to as many as thou hast given him.

If Jesus has the power to give us eternal life, and eternal life is knowing God, then Jesus has the power to help us know God. Everything sounds a little stupid and a little obvious when you write it down, but this struck me as interesting. Jesus can help me know God. Okay, so how does this actually happen?

I came up with two answers. First, I can come to know God through repenting in the name of his Son. Not only does repentance make me a more godly person, more worthy of his divine fellowship, but the process itself brings us closer together. Each time I repent, and am forgiven of my sins, I feel the love of God, and I know him better.

Second, if Jesus has the power to help me know God, then perhaps I should just pray to God and ask, in the name of his Son, for this knowledge. We are also instructed to pray and ask God for the gift of charity, so why not for this good gift? Why not just ask God to reveal himself to us by his Spirit? Of course, we must do more than just ask, but I think that perhaps asking for this knowledge is a necessary part of how we come to know God.

In any case, I got called upon to give the closing prayer after the lesson, and in my prayer, I asked God in the name of his son Jesus to help us to know him as he has always known us.

He is, after all, our Father. And although we are estranged from him in this temporal world, our spirits still cry out to him, and he will hear our prayers.

--MOISHE

Elders Quorum Moving Co.

So, Saturday I was helping some folks from the ward move out of their place, and due to their not being adequately prepared for us, I had a lot of time on my hands to stand around and think. Given the circumstances, it should surprise no one that my thoughts centered around moving, and preparations for moving.

I think I am close to formulating a theoretical model for an ideal move. I am going to share it with the world now, in hopes that my brothers, and whoever else, may help me to refine and perfect this model, for the good of future generations.

There are four phases to any move: Preparing, Moving out, Moving in, Finishing. In phase one (preparing), everything is made ready for the move. Packing materials and trucks are procured. Items which are going to the new house are packed up in boxes, and everything which is not going to the new home is discarded. The new, empty home is cleaned, and ideally so is the old one.

In phase two, boxes and furniture are removed from the home and placed in trucks. In phase three, the boxes and furniture are transported by truck to the new home. Then, they are removed from the trucks and placed in the home.

In phase four, boxes are unpacked, trucks are returned, etc. If the old home was not cleaned in stage one, it is now empty, and should be cleaned.

Now, in these four phases, individuals fulfill at least six roles: Cleaner, Boxer, Feeder, Transporter, Wagonmaster, and Unpacker. Cleaners clean the homes, old and new, in phase one (and if necessary, in phase four). Boxers operate in phase one, packing items in boxes and also preparing furniture to be moved. (Shelves and dressers, for instance, can often be disassembled for easier transport.) Transporters move boxes and furniture from the home to the trucks in phase two, and vice-versa in phase three. Feeders direct transporters inside the home, telling them which boxes to take to which trucks in phase two, and which boxes to place in which rooms in phase three.

Wagonmasters direct transporters outside the home. In phase two, they receive boxes and furniture from the transporters and direct the packing of the trucks. In phase three, they lead the unpacking of the trucks. This is a key role. Just as Boxers must carefully pack items in boxes to ensure their safety during the move, Wagonmasters must carefully pack these boxes in the truck. Having a good Wagonmaster will mean fewer broken or damaged items in boxes, not to mention furniture.

Finally, Unpackers perform the opposite function of Boxers. They operate in phase four, removing items from boxes and reassembling furniture. (Since this role is really the reverse image of the Boxer, perhaps it should be thought of as one role: Boxer / Unboxer, or Packer / Unpacker. I don't know. Schleminkel!)

Now, a single individual will naturally fulfill different roles in different phases of the move. In a disorganized move, individuals often perform multiple roles within the same phase, but I believe it would be more efficient to specialize. This will not be possible, however, without organization and planning.

In my experience, moms are usually the chief Boxers and Unpackers. This seems wise. Dads are usually wagonmasters. This also seems wise, but if a dad is not fulfilling this role, someone else should step up and take over. Without a competent chief Feeder and chief Wagonmaster, the second and third phases become a mess.

Transporters do nothing but schlep stuff around. Any willing person with a strong back can do this. Accordingly, this role is both the least important, and the most likely to be filled by people who want to help with the move. It is in this capacity that I have been mobilized, many times, as a member of the Elders Quorum.

And I guess the whole point of writing all this is to say: It is totally stupid to ask people to come help you unless you have prepared to have them help you. So, think! Plan! Organize!

Most people are willing do do whatever you ask them, but if you don't ask them to do anything, they will just stand around waiting for you to place a box in their hands. That works great if everything is Boxed and you are ready to Feed them. If not, you have a bunch of dopes standing around doing nothing. Not only does this not help you, but it also builds resentment in them because it's a poor use of their time. Remember: "The laborer is worthy of his hire!"

So, how can you be ready to use the Transporters when they show up to perform dumb labor? I think there are two simple answers. First, ask for help in phase one. Again, most people are willing to do whatever you ask them. So ask them to come help for an hour or two as Boxers or Cleaners. I think you'll be surprised to see how many people are willing to come and help with the pre-move Preparations.

Second, whenever people show up to help, assign them a specific role. Make sure they know exactly what to do, and how to do it. And, of course, make sure they know who is in charge. Transporters, for instance, need to know who the Feeders are, and who the Wagonmaster is. Otherwise, they wander around aimlessly and then go home and complain about their waste of an afternoon.

Or worse yet, they could blog about it, like a certain Schmendrick I know. (A hiltsener tsung zol er bakumn! He should grow a wooden tongue!)

--MOISHE

A quick Kvetch

Shalom and vee gehts. I've been meaning to give some good thoughts here for everybody, and I promise I will soon, but right now, it's time for a kvetch. For any goyem reading this, that means it's time for me to rant and complain. But, fortunately, this is a quick kvetch because I'm pretty busy.

So, kvetch already!

One of my huge pet peeves is when the Bishopric think that it is their job to MC sacrament meeting. IT'S NOT! There is no need to get up and tell how much you love the hymn we just sang or how we should all pay attention to the next speaker because he knows how much time they've put into it or what a mensch that last speaker is. Just tell us who is speaking and thank them quickly and sincerely. That's it.

So, to all the other pretend Jews out there, zay gezunt!

Herschel

ps- there is no such thing as a 'tropical guide.' It is called topical because it is organized by topic. I never thought I would hear an adult get that one wrong. Gevalt...

Cheese blog no. 2

So, this is the second in our series of blog posts about cheese. Today, we discuss two cheeses. First, a nice aged Gruyere. Gruyere is a cow's milk cheese named after a town in Switzerland. The kind I had proclaimed itself to be aged 5 months, and was a hard cheese. It was good, but not great.

Gruyere is supposed to be a great cheese for baking, but I really don't do much baking, so perhaps I just didn't know how to use it. I tried grating it on various things, but wasn't crazy about it. Pretty good on salads, especially with dried cranberries. Overall, I give it three and a half stars.

The second cheese to discuss, mascarpone, was much more interesting. (Note: the plastic tub I bought was labelled both as "mozzarella fresca" and "mascarpone." I'm not expert enough to tell you why, or even to tell you the difference. After doing some reading, though, I am pretty sure that this cheese would best be described as mascarpone. I have no idea why they also called it mozzarella.)

The mascarpone was not solid at all-- something like a nice, thick sour cream. It also had a creamy taste, instead of a cheesy taste. My problem was in finding ways to use it. It didn't really belong on a sandwich, or on crackers. I tried adding it as a garnish to pasta dishes with red sauce, which was pretty good. I have read that it can be used in lasagnas, but I didn't get a chance to try that this time.

In the end, the mascarpone was more interesting than useful. I used a little more than half of what I purchased before it got bad and I threw it out. This made me sad, but the truth is I had a hard time figuring out what to do with it. Next time, I'll make sure to look up some recipes and get better use out of it.

I give it only three stars. If you're looking for something interesting and unusual, I really think you might enjoy it. Look around for recipes and invite your friends over for a nosh. Get some mileage out of its uniqueness. But, like me, you may find the novelty wears off and the cheese goes bad before it all gets used.

Okay, that's all for now. Zey gezunt!

--MOISHE

Cheese blog no. 1

A gut morgn! Today we inaugurate a new feature here at Mormonides Bros. Blog-house and Kvetchery. What is? The cheese blog! Where we write about cheese. Cheese is good, yes? So what's not to love?

Today, we discuss two cheeses. First, myzithra. This is a greek cheese made from sheep's milk and goat's milk. It comes in two varieties: fresh, or soft, and hard, or aged.

I bought the aged kind, and found it delicious. It seems that generally people recommend that this cheese be grated, like parmesan. The texture is certainly right for that, although the flavor is not as strong as parmesan. In pasta dishes, the flavor seemed to get lost, but it worked well in salads with a little bit of sweetness, like apples or dried cranberries. Lots of people describe it as having a nutty flavor, and I think I can agree with that. It melted up nicely in quesadillas or in toasted sandwiches. This really seemed to bring out a richness.

I give aged myzithra four stars. It keeps well, it tastes good on a variety of foods, and it has a nice texture.

The second cheese is Fol Epi. It's a 'Swiss-style' cheese from France, but without the bite I usually associate with what we call Swiss cheese here in the US. It comes in a rind made of toasted wheat flour instead of wax. I actually tried eating the rind, and although it's not nearly as good as the cheese itself, it's not bad.

The Fol Epi was a little bit soft, but not quite soft enough to really spread. If I kept it cold in the refrigerator, I had no trouble cutting it. It's really delicious stuff-- a little bit sweet or fruity, but mostly just a good cheesy flavor. I loved it with everything I tried it with, especially sandwiches. It melts quickly because of the softness, so I loved slicing it onto warm toast.

I give Fol Epi five stars. I can't imagine someone not loving this cheese. Super yum.

And that's enough cheese blogging for today. So, goodbye and gey gezunterheyt!

--MOISHE

What is the Gospel anyway?

Sholem aleycham and vee geyts!

I've been doing some thinking this week about the parable that the Lord tells in Matthew 13 about the guy who finds the treasure in the field, sells everything he owns, and buys the whole field to get the treasure. If you want to read it it's verse 44, but I warn you, there's not much more to it than I just said.

I never liked this parable much. Why would the guy buy the whole field if all he wanted was the pearl? I always figured either the past owner of the field didn't know the pearl was there, so the guy bought the whole field so he could get the pearl cheap (so Jesus was teaching us to scam people), or that the past owner did know about it, and the guy just went nuts and bought everything for fun (and the Lord was teaching us to waste our money on stuff we don't want or need). Neither of these lessons ever sat well with me.

So, this week I was thinking about it and I think I've figured out what it really means, at least to me. Something that rubs some people the wrong way is that there's too much periphery in the church. Boy Scouts and visiting teaching and service projects and seminary and Relief Society get together to knit night and on and on. That stuff is not what saves us, so why should we have to do it? The answer is right there in verse 44. In order to get the pearl (which Christ tells us is a symbol of the Kingdom of Heaven), we have to take all the things that go with it. The guy couldn't just buy the pearl, he had to get the whole deal. Field and all. So, the Gospel itself is the things that will actually get us to Heaven (the Atonement and not much else), but if we're in for a dime we're in for a dollar.

Well, that's my whole spiel. Time for me to get to my Sunday full of meetings. I just have to remember...not to complain...because it's all important...

Herschel

Funny, she doesn't look Druish...

So, we're not really Yiddish. Oyf tsleuchis. We're just Mormons who wish we were Jewish, like all the rest. We really are brothers, though. And our last name really is Mormonides. Also, I got a gold medal in awesome at the rock and roll Olympics.

Nu... Today, in sacrament meeting, this guy gets up to give the last talk, and it's already ten o'clock, which means we have ten minutes to fit in him, the closing song, and the prayer. I was sympathetic to his plight. The previous two speakers had spoken too long. We had cut out the rest hymn (The Lord Is My Light-- which I like) to give this guy time to speak.

Of course he didn't abbreviate-- he gave us the whole megillah, and we were ten minutes late getting out of sacrament meeting. Personally, I find it impossible to feel the spirit after a meeting is supposed to be over. I should, but I just can't. I suppose this is a defect in my character. Feh.

--MOISHE

Meh!

Sholem aleycham to all! I am Herschel. My brothers and I are going to put some of our thoughts up here for all you Goyem, or anybody else who wants to read.

a gute nacht to everybody

Herschel

So blog already

Three years I've been schvitzing about what to post here. Today I decide: enough with this meshugas. Time to get started. So this is the start. Maybe later I blog some more, when I have something to say.

Zay gezunt.

--MOISHE